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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25267309">The Clown's Determination</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frehior/pseuds/Frehior'>Frehior</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>D.Gray-man</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Canon Compliant, Gen, Kanda's perspective, Vignette</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 07:34:14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,458</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25267309</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frehior/pseuds/Frehior</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Kanda thought Allen Walker was a clown. Not because of his outlandish and ridiculous appearance —white hair, pentacle-scarred cursed left eye, a red-arm where his innocence was—, but because of his utterly ridiculous ideas.</p>
<p>Sacrifice himself to protect others? What a joke, he wouldn’t last in this war if that’s how it was. His performance would end in a tragedy, for sure.</p>
<p>/ Set during/after Episode 5.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kanda Yuu &amp; Allen Walker</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Clown's Determination</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>A word of warning, I guess: past tense changes to present tense after the first time skip, in case anyone's bothered by that.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>

<p></p><div>
  <p>He has known his type. Self sacrificing, willing to put themselves before others. The kind that would risk their lives in order to protect someone else. A fool with a hero complex. He's met some. He has seen them try to rise high, only to come crashing down the minute something unexpected happens. They all fall once reality hits them, and they realize the only thing they can do is accept how powerless they are.</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Still, the new exorcist seems to be way up in the clouds with his ideas as he refuses to accept the harsh reality. Alas, if it had been that, Kanda would most likely allow him to meet the fate that awaited those foolish enough to dare take more than they could handle. But as it stood, it seemed the brat knew what was coming to him, and still tried his hardest to protect someone he cared about, be it by bond —a relationship, whatever the sorts it could be—, pity or values. Perhaps that stupid idea of trying to protect anyone he could, to save anyone he could… even at his own expense.</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>So yes, Allen Walker was an idiot, no doubt about that, as he followed his heart more than his logic. But Kanda had to give him credit for the guts he showed, and more over, for the way he could handle his Innocence. Parasitic types were rare for a reason. Not <em>everyone</em> could handle it. Not everyone could make it shape shift. And here you had this brat, who had already showed more than one form to his anti-akuma weapon.</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Maybe it was a mix of bitter gratitude and respect, but it was more likely to be selfishness and curiosity that moved him. But definitely, anger. Before he had caught up with his body he had put himself in danger in order to defend the beansprout, enduring the pain on his abdomen to try and get a rise out of the brat, a reaction to make him <em>move</em> again, force him into action.</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>All in all, it was an act of self preservation, too. As much as he hated to admit it, his life might depend on Allen for this one instant. He was injured, and Walker's Innocence could prove more worth than his in this moment. He needed the boy alive and kicking if he wanted to get out of this with as few scrapes as possible.</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Kanda…"</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He did not repent of his words. He still hated the boy's attitude. But he'd hate it more if they were murdered in this place by the bothersome level 2 akuma, he couldn’t stand the idea of meeting his end here, not when he still had a promise to fulfill.</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Stupid, pathetic coward! Don't get tired in the last minute! If you keep that up you'll always be a beansprout!" He spat, angry at Allen and at himself. "Weren't you lecturing me about how you'd protect those two?! I hate naïve people like you!” People who were naïve enough to believe themselves heroes when it was obvious they weren’t. “But those who don’t follow through with their promises… I hate them even more!”</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You’ll still hate me either way.” The small sprout chuckled before smiling at him, claiming all he was doing was taking a break. And Kanda almost regrets jumping to his defense, annoyed the young exorcist can even joke at a time like this.</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Now you’re just pissing me off.” Kanda shot back, pushing against the akuma and slicing through the Innocence-transformed arm.</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>The beansprout better step up if he planned on following through his ideals.</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><hr/>
<p> </p>

<p></p><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“What are you doing asleep? You should be guarding them.”</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Allen doesn't look up at him, and Kanda feels that annoyance spike within him again —a feeling that seems to be now common whenever he looks at the beansprout— but whether it is because of the seemingly defeated air he gives or the refusal to acknowledge Kanda properly, he can't quite tell.</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Huh? How are your wounds doing?”</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Kanda knows that he is deflecting the matter at hand, but he decides to be lenient and play along, “I heal fast.”</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I heard it would take you five months.”</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Shut up.” He takes seat on the stairs before reaching Allen, allowing him more space to be vulnerable in case he decided to pick his head up. Plus, Kanda didn’t want to see whatever expression he was carrying.</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I’ve received a message from Komui. I’ll be heading to my next mission. You’ll have to deliver the Innocence to the headquarters.”</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>It’s not like he’s come to check on the beansprout, or like he’s worried about him, not at all. However, Walker’s silence —present since they’d managed to move after the beating they took— feels out of place, more so that his voice sounds muffled, that he’s still holding his head against his arms, as if shielding himself from what’s going on, from what he’s allowed to happen. Kanda can’t seriously stand the soft-hearted like Allen. They always end up being beaten down by a sour turn of events.</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>When a moment passes and Allen still remains silent, Kanda itches to take a look at him. Would his shoulders be shaking as he held back tears? Was the beansprout that weak?</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Got it.” It’s the clipped answer he gets, and it feels so out of character for him, so soft-spoken —<em>defeated, almost</em>—, that Kanda dares look over his shoulder to check on him.</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“If it’s too hard on you, go stop the doll. That’s not ‘Lala’ anymore, right?” He presses, before looking forward again with a frown on his face, debating between heading to the next mission and leave Allen to mop to his own, or stay for a little longer to make sure the boy isn’t going to resign being an Exorcist for fear of his heart getting broken.</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“It’s their promise. Only Guzol would be the one to destroy Lala’s heart.”</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You’re too soft.” Kanda thinks out loud, and sighs to let out some frustration. It’s not like he doesn’t understand where Walker is coming from, but it’s because he understands that he knows the beansprout’s future is plagued with hardships. “Exorcists are <em>destroyers</em>,” he supplies, wanting by some reason to alleviate the burden the kid’s decided to carry on his own. He’ll find out sooner or later, either way: a hero can’t save everybody, “not <em>saviors</em>.”</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“...I know.”</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Finally, his voice doesn’t sound muffled, and Kanda denies the small relief he feels when he can tell the beansprout doesn’t sound defeated or crestfallen but rather resolute on his words. He only hopes that Walker truly knows and understand what exorcists’ path involves.</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“But I—“</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Walker doesn’t finish his sentence as the wind stops carrying Lala’s song, and they both look back to where the doll is. Allen is the first to spring to his feet to go check, and Kanda decides to follow.</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><hr/>
<p> </p>

<p></p><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“What’s wrong?” Kanda inquires as he enters the room, watching Walker's shoulders shake as he no doubt is crying this time.</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Kanda…” He calls out to him, and Kanda awaits his next words, as Allen sniffles and rubs his arm against his face, “Even if what you say is true, still, I want to be a destroyer than can save others.”</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Kanda remains silent, not knowing how to respond to that. A part of him wants to laugh at the beansprout’s foolishness, tell him he’s fighting this war with the wrong approach, that war’s results entail death, despair, loss, grief—it’s inevitable, no matter what kind of big words and bold phrases you say. But a part of him he thought had died many years ago stirs, and that part wants to see where Walker’s path will lead, wants to see how war will change him (be it for better or worse), and wants to cheer him on.</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>And he hates himself for holding out hope for the young exorcist; hope for Allen's heart to be strong enough to go through this war and not allow the darkness of it swallow him as it has done to many others, including Kanda’s.</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>So he settles for an annoyed “<em>Tsk</em>”, as he turns on the spot and decides that going to his next mission would be best to clear his troubled thoughts.</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p><em>Do as you wish</em>, he almost says, but bites his tongue. He doesn’t want to acknowledge this idiot’s ideals or values, afraid of being dragged down with him, although he’s done as much when he jumped in to defend him and had, in his own way, encouraged him to follow through his own words and promises.</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He only hoped that in the process of saving others, he wouldn’t destroy himself.</p>
</div>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Over 2 years have passed since I started this rough ficlet. Having recently acquired the manga and just finished catching up, I finally got that passion for the fandom back (I've got so many ideas, I just hope to be able to polish them to share them!)</p>
<p>The dialogue is a mix of the anime&amp;manga, and the change in tense is probably because back then (when I tried &amp; failed to get back to the fandom) I wrote in past-tense, but now I tend to stick more to present-tense.</p>
<p>Hope you enjoyed this work :). Exploring the character's thoughts and motivations is always interesting to me.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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